21 miles: Uselessly useful tips for surviving a long run.

Most of you already know that my 21-mile experience was not necessarily the greatest; it was a little more unfortunate than last year. Our team bus broke down and there were no water stops because we were late. I had no money on me to purchase reinforcements along the route, so you can probably imagine how this played out.

I had a draft written a couple of weeks ago that brought you a step-by-step account of the day, but instead, I’ve decided to tell you what I learned from all this.

Trust me on this one…

  1. Deodorant should NOT to be used in lieu of body glide. It does not work. Your bum WILL chafe.
  2. It is not a good idea to get your eyebrows waxed the day before a long run… you’ll understand when the sweat starts dripping down your forehead.
  3. Faucet water from the bathroom hydrates just like the bottled stuff, even though it tastes like…er…faucet.
  4. If you can smell yourself, odds are everyone else can, too (including the clerk at Walgreens who scrunched his nose and gave you the look of death when you asked to use the bathroom. Wait… did he just spray air freshener after I left the counter???)
  5. Make sure the toilet flushes BEFORE you go. Also, be sure to prepare your toilet paper pre-squat. The less time you spend in the squat position, the less painful your bathroom experience will be.

    Avoid this stance as much as possible...

  6. Apparently, magnesium citrate isn’t the only thing that can cause the Hershey squirts… see #5.
  7. You are not invisible while running. If you pick a wedgie, you WILL be laughed at (also note: make sure the person behind you whilst picking said wedgie is not any of the following: sexy police officer, sexy firefighter, sexy runner, sexy shop owner, sexy cyclist, sexy guy in jeans, sexy guy with blue shirt… etc)
  8. Worry not about the drivers and bikers. Instead, worry about the shoppers who absentmindedly leave shops with no regard for oncoming pedestrian traffic. (this tip multiplies in importance TENFOLD when the shop door opens in an outward direction.)
  9. When that woman with the baby carriage passes you going up the hills of Newton, don’t be discouraged… honestly… don’t…
  10. And when she laps you… still… don’t feel bad… at all…
  11. W(h)ine is meant to be consumed by glass… not spewed out of the mouth in the opposite direction.


That’s all folks! Taper update soon…